The circle of life...

The circle of life is a vicious one. It continues to go on and one no matter how much you try to stop. There’s no point cribbing and expecting that something better will pop up-unless you keep to a clear and intelligent pattern of life.

Unfortunately we humans are an ironically blessed and cursed lot.
The creator gave good sense and abilities to live a comfortable life …
But feeble as we humans are, we are not in a position to comprehend
and try to become larger than God himself.

Always assuming and taking things for granted. Forgetting that the seeds we plant today are the harvest of tomorrow that will feed us in the future.

Dammed are we - not realizing our limitations and encroaching upon that bleak and blurred future that we have not yet seen. Ruining our today leaving a sore tomorrow and an undeterred future.

What are we building for ourselves… castles of despair and lost hope?

My little boys ...

I was browsing through a profile that I had projected for myself...

Fun, Fun, Fun

was what I described myself to be… Manoo(my son) was right beside me watching what His mom thought of herself.

He said this is wrong Ma, you are not fun, but you are patience
“How did you say patience Manoo, why do you think so?” I asked
He said,” You are always waiting for the month to end, waiting for your salary to come. Trying to see how the ends will meet.”

I was so zapped at the far thought of this 12 year old... How can he relate to the stress that his mother faces to manage within the limited income that comes into the house?

I sometimes wonder if this is what I want them to remember as they grow…
The stress and strain to run a household… always thinking if how far the penny must stretch, of what it is that can be done without and what it is that is most needed.

Whether there will ever be a day when I can forget the pocket and just take an off hand decision to go out for a meal, or for a holiday. Just to give my kids a surprise that they surely must deserve.

These thoughts never elude me no matter what I do, I am living and working hard so that I can give them a comfortable life.

Don’t know what that means… Don’t know when that day will come.

How can I give them the most memorable day of their life…?
Will there be something good for them to remember when they grow up and become adults in the world of more.

Will they retain the values that we teach them and the lessons that we so painstakingly try to imbibe unto them. I always wonder what will be, in the years that will follow,when my little boys will be men.

I wish so much that they be men of character, men with feelings, men who care, men who understand and will love and be loved by all who will encounter them.

Who am I?

Who am I?
Do I have any individuality of my own, do I have a voice, and have I discovered myself?
I don’t know….
And I wonder whether I will ever know.

How many more years more do I have to live before I know
I have yet to find out
A shadow in the dark can’t be seen and that’s exactly what I am like
Shunned away and taken for granted
Where am I taking my life to?
Do I have any aspirations or dreams of my own?
Do I really know what I want?
I find myself tagging along in a stereotyped life

Life which seems to have no destination
What am I working towards –
Just living as part of a mechanism I guess– ha ha
I am no entity, no body listens to me
Not my husband and not even my children

My mother in law thinks that her son is some demi god
Some great personality who has tantrums
Nobody can face up to him or
Tell him if he is wrong or right
And I am some lowly miserable creature -
Who should thank my stars that he happened to marry me
But my Lord did you consider me to be so poor when you created me
I need some answers-now!

He will say, like he said before- 'this is the writing of a dead person'

A person who is alive cannot think this way….
What is it that makes me think like I am dead …..
Because I have never lived for myself, have no wants of my own
Just living to support - a little bit more
What have I got from all this
Just paying back to the maker
For having given me this loathe full life

Look into their eyes …

Look into their eyes …and try to see the hidden dreams.
Some of which they themselves cannot word
They need somebody to help them write it out for them
Am I responsible to be there for them as long as I can?
For how long do I evade and pretend not to see
The eagerness to live and the want to achieve
The need to be understood and loved
How much of this can I give them?
Haven’t we learnt enough from the mistakes of our past?
And of those who have gone before us
Continuing to go round and round in the vicious circle of want
Where do we go from here?
Not trying to improve but continuing
To dwell in the wretchedness that comes with it
From this perch of uncertainty, I cannot think of a way
Neither am I in a position to give up
God show me a way

what next?

Like is back from where it all started. The same old place the same people and the same crunches for fulfilling the basic needs. The same responsibilites and the need to accomplish certain goals... the need to make sacrifices for the want to come clear off, the problems at hand.
Being unable to do what is required and feeling squashed under the burden of present day cares...
Lord where do we go from here...
Need to find a good enough job and carry on. need to muster some courage and feel useful.
there should be a good day after all or so I believe...

My Dad a tribute

Dad was a simple and loving man. He did all that was expected of him, and completed all his responsiblities. He did not own a mansion or a luxury car but he owned a great heart that treasured his only posessions-his four children. He walked the earth for 64 years, he bore the brunt of the wares and tares of life. Many a times he was taken for granted but most of the time he rose to the occassion and kept his place and dignity in the family. Somehow dad did not let the bitterness enter his heart like Mom- Dad could forgive and forget. Dad cried when he saw any one of us hurt, dad took great pride in all our little achievements. Dad thrived in our happiness and success. Dad was just the perfect Dad anyone could ever wish for.
He waited ardently when we would make our visits, he checked on the train timings and was always at the station to recieve us. Each time we parted Dad shed a silent tear. My Dad he loved me the most, he made me feel so. And each one of us feels so.
DAD I will always love you till the end of my days, your confidence in me will give me the strength to carry on. Your selfless love will show me the way to take care of my children and family the way you did.
Now that you are with the Lord, do watch over me and guide me like you always did.
Though I can never hear your voice or see your face again you will continue living in my heart.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS DADA.

All out of everthing or...

It is a rather funny realisation to know that the many people around us are really insecure than we can think. Most of the time, it is I who feel that the there is nothing worth while in this world to live for. There is really no meaning to struggling and trying to achieve goals, for the momentry satisfaction that comes with it. The days pass by and it is all over. You are left where you were, a person still longing for something and still struggling and wondering if success will ever come by.
What does this really tell of everything that happens on a day to day bases?
Is it worth the trouble that one has to endure everyday?
Need some answers...

The first step

This was my first step to set out my mind. Dont know if any one will ever read it but yes it will surely set out the voices in my head.
Hope to carry on....